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Spiritual disconnect

Before you continue, know that this isn't a list of complaints--it's a source of confusion. Please read on to help me work it out!

I saw something today that really resonated with me. Here it is. Check it out. It's all about Ramadan, the Islamic holy month that has collided with September.

I'm not fasting. I can't due to breastfeeding, and I'm grateful for that mercy. But this is my fourth Ramadan that I haven't been able to fast due to pregnancy or nursing, and insha'Allah next year will make five since I hope to nurse G as long as I did Noah. What that add up to is a disconnection from this normally intensely spiritual time.

I've been arguing with myself off and on about what I can do to make this Ramadan more meaningful. Last year I read Hamza Yusuf's Purification of the Heart. I took many of his supplication suggestions and practiced them throughout the month. My spirituality was elevated. I felt alive in my faith. Alhumdulillah it was a beautiful month, and even better, I was able to share my spiritual boost with my family. I also gave up sweets between sunrise and sunset and didn't eat between meals.

This year, I have to nosh regularly to keep up my milk supply. I try to keep it simple and healthy (an apple, a piece of toast, peanut butter). To help myself remember that it's Ramadan, I have given up tea during daylight hours. I start toward my stove for tea at least five times a day, so it's a big reminder. Also, it means no caffeine since G can't handle me drinking coffee. That presents its own challenges.

Probably the greatest benefit this month offers for me is a sense of community. There are nightly iftaars (fast-breaking dinners) at the mosque. Again, the sleep schedule we have to keep Noah on and my level of exhaustion inhibit going out. G gets his first round of immunizations on Thursday. After that we'll probably make a night of it, but that's only one night. And having people in our house with Noah around is a BIG deal.

I have a book I keep intending to open that I believe may be an iman (faith) booster. I've been reading Ramadan-themed blog posts and websites like crazy, working to improve my five daily prayers, and more. Maybe it's having a toddler, a newborn and nursing, but I find I'm not really getting anywhere. Even finding a second to open the Qur'an has become a challenge. Today I rediscovered my diamond wedding band after losing hope that I would find it and it took me a good ten minutes to remember to thank God.

I keep finding beauty in the writing of my fellow Muslim bloggers. They are clearly moved by the challenges of this month. I want that for myself. So, I am asking my readers, what can I read that will move me? What can I do that will help?

Hobby Lobby Harrumph

Noah has entered meltdown mania. For serious. He melts down in public like nobody's business. On Wednesday he both horrified me and cracked me up during a Hobby Lobby run. We were buying fabric to make a felt Ramadan calendar. He didn't understand that we weren't buying the entire bolt of fabric, just a yard. So when the woman cut off a piece and then put the big bolt away, well, that opened Hell's floodgates. He screamed for a good ten minutes as I tried to pay and get out the door. I was so cool I was like ice. My voice did not go up. My teeth did not grind together. Nada. I just kept reassuring him, jiggling G in his sling, and we got out the door.

But not without incident. Aside from several ear casualties--because man that kid can wail so loud cars were probably clearing the roadways in confusion--there was a very, very embarrassing incident in which one well-meaning woman, no doubt seduced by Noah's large, tear-filled eyes mA, tried to cheer him up with a few smiles.

Now, Noah has reached the point where he is embarrassed when he acts up. He saw this woman looking at him, felt that embarrassment keenly and told me without taking his angry, narrowed eyes off her, "She wants to go away."

At first it was a hiss of a whisper. "What?" I asked him, leaning in, but there was no need.

He jabbed a chubby finger at her and raised his voice. "She wants to go away!" This became his mantra, much to my chagrin.

The woman did notice, but there was nothing she could do. There was only one lane open for checkout and she was an employee anyway on some staff-related mission. She couldn't leave and neither could I. So we all stood our ground with Noah giving her the stink-eye. I tried positioning myself between them but he just leaned around me to stare her down. He turned away and shifted anxiously. He stared. She kept glancing back, moving out of his line of sight, but he wouldn't take his eyes off her. I have never seen Noah so angry, and I had no idea he was hiding such venom behind such beautiful eyes mA!

All in line were witness. Perhaps only the cashier heard my, "I'm sorry for all the screaming." I know the object of Noah's frustration caught a sympathetic look from me. What could I do? He's a child. And for the record, he is very polite with his 'thank yous' and 'your welcomes' and sometimes even 'pleases'. But he wanted that bolt of fabric. After all, he had picked the color and with only a little vacillating. As for the Lightning McQueen buttons he set his eyes on, that was my fault entirely. I meant it to be a distraction, but he has learned that items in stores can be brought home. Amazingly, he's also applied this to catalogs. Sometimes he brings us his Thomas the Train catalogue (we've never bought anything from it) and points to the pictures of items he likes and says, "I want this one, and this one and this one . . ." Ahem.

But back to the topic at hand. I did not catch the name of the woman whose smile Noah found so offensive. I did not tell her how sorry I was that he had chosen her as an outlet for her aggression. So, in an effort to right this wrong, I apologize. As a mother of a cranky 2.5 year old, I apologize. On behalf of all 2.5 year olds everywhere, I apologize.

Friday Funk Update

Nathan came home and took Noah out for an hour. Gabriel and I napped on the couch. Then Nathan put Noah in bed while I fed G. I didn't have to lift a finger. A much needed break that left me feeling like a million bucks, alhumdullilah. :)

Friday Funk

I'm in a mood. A bad one. But it's Ramadan and several dear readers have wished me happiness and success this month, so instead of ranting about how offensive I find it that anyone could ever, ever, ever vote for John McCain even under the guise of sticking with the Republican party (grrzle, snoozle blargle and general phooey) I will try ot be positive. Okay, I admit, that was borderline, but I don't think I've been in a mood this foul before ever. [Nathan, if you're reading this, don't worry. I'm cooling my head.]


So, here's with the positivity:

Noah's bedtime routine is back down to half an hour (from an hour and a half).

Gabriel just had a bath and smells like honey. Sigh.

My camera is fine--just an issue with lens seating.

Noah and I made Ramadan cards for the family and mailed them. :)

We also painted a birdhouse today.

G is currently content on my lap.

My floor is vacuumed!!!!! (If you had seen it this morning you would be happy too.)

I got to leave the house this week.

This weekend is all about us--just Nathan, Shawna, Noah and Gabriel. iA it will be very relaxing. :)

And Ramadan Mubarak to you all, yet again. May your fasts and good deeds be accepted, your duas be answered, and may Allah grant you health happiness and success in this life and the next!

Still here

Wow. It's been three days. And I can't think of much to say. Excuse the dry spell. I've been beyond tired. Lately I just want to find my way into a good book or stare into my babies' eyes. Not terribly interesting to blog about, unless you want to hear about how Noah insists my eyes are black, or how he crawls onto my lap and demands that I rock him because he's a baby too. There's also the incredible steel gray of Gabriel's eyes. The child is calm and sweet-tempered. We gaze at each other all the time. He smiles at me. He smiles when he hears Noah's voice. Noah regularly asks to hold him. And those eyes! Man! I wanted to take a picture today but there is some undetermined lens issue and I never got a chance to check the sensors or switch lenses.

These boys, they keep me busy.

Labor Day Weekend Update: Costumes and Crafts

Warning: It's all about Noah.

Last summer, my parents returned from Lebanon with a Druze outfit for Noah. It's one of the weirder things they've given him. There's a lot of sectarian strife between the Druze and the Shia village my dad is from, so why would my family want to see him dressed up as Druze? Supposedly, it was a Druze sniper who killed my aunt when I was younger, although I didn't notice any grief toward the group from my family overseas. It just strikes me as odd the same way my inability to dress up as anything other than a gypsy for Halloween when I was younger was odd. I mean, does olive skin and an abaya have to add up to gypsy?

Anyway, the outfit fit Noah this summer. I had put most of it away, but I guess I missed the pants. I like to let Noah pick out my clothes. He dug through his drawers and when he saw the pants and went wild. Cool, I thought. Let's do it. I pulled the other pieces out of his closet. He wanted to wear the whole outfit. Sadly, I couldn't find the original hat, so we made due with one Nathan and I had picked up back in 2003.

He happily modeled the outfit.







He did a lonesome bit of dabke.





He sang of his lost love ya 3ayni!



She will return to him someday insha'Allah.



This outfit was a one time deal unless I learn how to sew. The elastic in the waistband broke about five minutes after I took those photos, and the "embroidery" started coming off. Glad I was quick with the camera!

*****

Saturday morning he took finger painting to a new level by turning himself into live art:




We recycled a plastic egg carton to hold his paints. We're planning to make our own watercolor paints in another saved carton. I just need to pick up some brushes.



*****

Today we went to the Fourth Street Art Festival where I ogled some amazing art and Noah made his own! Pop Pop helped and Mommy took pictures while Daddy, Meem Meem and Gabriel scoped out the local talent.







The glitter was the best part.



The leaf he decorated was put away to dry and later hung on a tree featuring other fine art by local children.









And because I can upload five at a time for the same low price as two, here is a picture of Noah's top art pick:



And here is Noah whacking Pop Pop on the head:





******

To my fellow Muslims out there, Ramadan Mubarak!